Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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