im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
