my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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