Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
