I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
