The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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