I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
