I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
