no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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