We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
