He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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