Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
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as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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