I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
