I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
