she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Randomize
