I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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