I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
