I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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