At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
