I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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