The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
