My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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