Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
