she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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