woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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