All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
