i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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