i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
