I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
