I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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