the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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