I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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