i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
