Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
