were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
