the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
