my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
handjob tips. give me some.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
