my vag is so smooth its legendary
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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