she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
