Where are you?
In a non slutty way
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
