I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
