Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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