I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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