please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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