I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im holly from the hills drunk
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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