Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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