He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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