You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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