well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
