she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
