alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
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i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
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Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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