currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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