So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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