WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
