you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
